“I go and I do my part, but I’m stressed. Are heroes and angels supposed to be stressed”: Montreal healthcare worker shares her reflections on the fear and turmoil of working at ground zero.

Opinion: Paula Stewart-Leslie

I’m having such a hard time with people thanking me or calling me an angel or hero because I’m a health care worker. Truth be told I’d rather be home. I go and I do my part, but I’m stressed. Are heroes and angels supposed to be stressed? I sit in my car every morning and I psych myself to go in the hospitals.

If I’m being honest I’m not really afraid for myself because I know how to protect myself I’m afraid for what I may bring home with me. While I appreciate that everyone is doing their best, the lack of information or rather the absent of good information feeds the fear.

Sometimes the information coming at us is equivalent to 20 people talking at the same time and you don’t know which voice has your best interest and safety at heart. The goal posts keeping changing as if the playbook is being written as the ‘game’ progresses.

If I’m being honest I’m not really afraid for myself because I know how to protect myself I’m afraid for what I may bring home with me.

One thing I do know to be a fact is “ the more you know ….. is the more you know “. This is not a religious post but I did learn in church that it’s better to know for yourself. I’ve also learned that not everyone is blessed with common sense even if they have a degree.

We truly are in this together. You are relying on me to psych myself up and go into that hospital and I’m relying on you to keep me safe by following the rules.

Perhaps we are all heroes. I’m mentally and physically tired, I’m uncomfortable because I don’t feel like a hero or an angel . I just feel like a regular stressed and tired healthcare worker.

Paula is a full-time healthcare worker at one of Canada’s largest medical centres.